It is painfully disappointing that I can not name this public hazard
as I have chosen it to be my last words. I'll say, "Blank's on Blank Street."
It'll be spoken in a faint, raspy whisper like Charles Foster Kane's "Rosebud."
You
wanna know why? Because Blank's on Blank Street slays me. They seem to have
successfully condensed all that is known about the art and science of
bartending and thrust it to the illogical extreme. I think the Washington
restaurant would make a marvelous case study in how not to cater to the
cocktail culture. Superman has his Bizzarro world, I've got Blank's.
Nick Wineriter is a most
competent, skilled and knowledgeable mixologist who happens to be between gigs.
His last run was at a happening water hole called Signatures, which has now
closed its doors do to owner Jack Abramoff's legal difficulties.
After
years working full-time as a bartender, Nick decided to be discriminating on
where he'd tend bar next. He eventually chose and was hired at Blank's on Blank
Street, which admittedly is a classy, beautifully appointed restaurant. Once
Nick began training, however, the luster faded quickly revealing a beverage
operation straight out of the Twilight Zone.
For
example, when the bartender shakes or stirs a cocktail, he has to "salute" the
glass before he pours it. What's that entail? The bartenders are required to
put the empty cocktail glass on the bar in front of the guest, hold the glass
shaker with the drink contents to the right of the glass for about 2 to 3
seconds, and salute the glass prior to pouring the drink. If the bar is
absolutely empty the practice is inexcusably ridiculous; if the bar is busy
it's a class three felony.
"I
don't think guests care if the bartender "salutes" the glass or not. They just
want their drink," says Wineriter. Ah, yeah.
It
gets better. The bar is equipped with a juicer and fresh juice cocktails are
featured fare. But management doesn't allow the bartenders to prep the juices
before the shift, opting instead to require bartenders to make the juice with
each drink order. The restaurant is promoting fresh squeezed lemonade for the
summer. Says Wineriter, "Imagine having a bar full of guests waiting for
cocktails and not being able to wait on them because you're knee-deep fresh
squeezing lemons for about 20 guests in the dining room. Guests get up and
leave. I know I would." Ah, yeah.
But
this is Blank's style of bartending. All drinks that need to be shaken are
shaken exactly ten times--no more, no less. Anything other than that and they're
written up. Stirred drinks have to be stirred exactly 20 times--no more, no
less. Miss the number and the offender is written up. All garnishes in the 2
o'clock position in front of the guest. If there's no garnish, then the
cocktail straw has to be in the 2 o'clock position.
So,
wanna work at Blank's? Nick's departure means there's a slot open.
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